Demyx and Vexen Go To White Castle
by Roxius
Summary: The title says it all, folks. The title says it all. Multi-chapter fic. No yaoi or yuri to be found here, just as a head's up. Crack. Please R & R!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts series, Square Enix, or Disney.

A/N: Would these two make a good tag-team, since their elemental abilities are so similar and all? Probably not...

* * *

_The World That Never Was..._

The last thing Vexen needed in the afternoon (or during any part of the day, really) was to be drop-kicked in the back of the head by Demyx...yet it still happened anyway.

"VEXEN...I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU!!"

'A bone...?' The fourth member of Organization XIII gently rubbed the newly-formed bump underneath his dirty blonde locks, 'Do we even have bones...or blood...or internal organs?! Hmm...I should go back to my lab and research this...'

"Two days ago, you promised you'd take me to White Castle...and you broke that promise!!" Demyx wailed, swinging his arms about in a frenzied manner.

Vexen forced a tiny smirk. "Oh, but aren't we ALREADY at a white castle?" He waited for someone to laugh at his little joke. No one did.

In fact, Demyx looked positively livid now. "Vexen...it's not nice to promise someone something, and then let them down. It's not going to make regaining a heart any easier for you, you know..."

"Oh, please...the food there is nothing less than total crap, I'm sure!" Vexen rolled his eyes.

"Hey, don't go dissing the food if you've never even tried it! You...or maybe Zexion...of all people should know never to judge a book by its cover!!"

Vexen was already growing terribly exhausted of this petty little argument about White Castle. "Look...you're old enough to go to places on your own, right? You don't need anyone to take you to White Castle, okay?" he replied.

"Uh..." Demyx pouted, his mind reeling in a desperate attempt to come up with a real reply, all the while his own side of the argument dying right before his very eyes. Suddenly, a rather evil idea came to him.

"Oh, Vexen?"

"Goddammit, Demyx, can you please just leave me-"

"If you don't take me to White Castle, I might just let slip to the Superior that you've been processing illegal drugs in your laboratory and selling it to the other members for munny..."

Vexen immediately froze in his tracks (something to be expected from the Chilly Academic). "What...what did you say?" The older man hissed through clenched teeth.

"I know all about it," Demyx beamed like a school girl on her first date, "Marluxia and Larxene both admitted to the whole thing while smoking on a double-ended joint in the girls' bathroom, which only has one stall, I've noticed..."

Vexen cursed under his breath; in one fell swoop, he had been caught off-guard and utterly thwarted by this cheeky newcomer.

"Fine...we'll go to White Castle..."

"WHOOP-WHOOP!!!"

Vexen knew that, without a doubt, he had picked the wrong day to finally stop sniffing glue...and to have cancelled the order for all of those Lucky Star hentai doujins.

* * *

_Meanwhile, in the girls' bathroom..._

"Marluxia..."

"What is it, Larxene?"

"When did...when did you dye your hair silver?"

"..."

"Man, I am SOOOO high right now!"

"Me too."

"...Hey, Marluxia?"

"What is it, Larxene?"

"...I got a case of the munchies."

"Then go and solve that case so we may all sleep soundly at night once again!"

"...Okay..."

Leaving Marluxia alone to enjoy what was left of their double-ended joint, Larxene got up and dashed out the door. Marluxia chortled quietly to himself.

"She left her bra and panties on the floor..." The pink-haired man lifted the woman's undergarments into his gloved hands, and attempted to snort them.

Unfortunately, it was a failed effort.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts series, Square Enix, or Disney.

A/N: There might be an actual sort of 'advertisement poster' made for this fic at one point...on DeviantArt. I made the request :3

And I promise I'll write fics for other series soon (and they won't all be stupid crack humor), but at the moment I've been in a KH-mood, especially after beating the new DS game with Organization XIII.

* * *

Larxene let out a weak groan as she wandered down the hallway, her eyes bloodshot and her body dangerously off-balance.

"Ugh...need food...potato chips, maybe..."

Suddenly, none other than Namine dashed out from behind the corner at the end of the corridor. Larxene blinked several times, unsure of what she was seeing. For a moment, she wondered if the marijuana was making her witness the things that she desired most. The two women stared back at one another in silence for about two minutes.

"Namine..." Larxene licked her dry lips.

The tiny blonde let out a tiny shriek. "Ahh...L-Larxene!! Uh...I...I wasn't trying to run away! Honest!! Please don't h-hurt me...!"

"...Jolly ranchers..."

"Huh?"

Larxene flashed a devious grin, and chuckled. "You have," she took in a deep breath, "jolly ranchers...in your pussy...heh heh heh...in your pussy..."

"What?" Namine glanced down at her crotch. As far as she knew, her vagina was as empty as ever.

"I'm hungry, Namine...I want...your jolly ranchers..." Larxene took a step forward, and in response, Namine took a step back.

"I don't have any jolly ranchers! I don't even know what those are!" Namine cried in desperation.

"I want the jolly ranchers in your pussy, Namine! I want the jolly ranchers in your pussy! Let me eat out your pussy!!"

"KYAAAAAAAH!!!"

Larxene lunged, and Namine swiftly spun around on her heels and dashed back down the hallway. The Savage Nymph wasted no time in chasing after her, the hunger in her belly growing ever more...

* * *

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO GET TO WHITE CASTLE?!!"

Demyx held his hands over his face for protection. "I...I'm sorry! I thought you knew how!!" he wailed.

"You idiot!! How would I know how to get there if I've never been there before?!!" Vexen screeched back.

"I'M SOOOOOORRRRRRRYYYYYYYY..."

Vexen was about to strike the younger man across the face, but sighed and lowered his arm. "Demyx..."

"Y..." Demyx lowered his own arms as well, "Yes?"

"Why are you so fixated with going to White Castle anyway?"

For the first time in the past three years that Vexen had known him, Demyx furrowed his brow and...and frowned.

"...It's a surprise."

"A surprise?" Vexen blinked.

"A surprise."

"Is it...a good surprise?"

"Uh...yeah, it is."

"...Hmm..."

"..."

Shrugging his broad shoulders, Vexen clapped his hands together twice. "Very well, then. I am a sucker for surprises, I'll admit. Let us ask the Superior if he knows the location of our White Castle..."

"Sounds good!" Demyx immediately cheered up.

As the two Nobodies headed down the hall for Xemnas's quarters, Demyx began to look conflicted...


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts series, Square Enix, or Disney.

A/N: There might be an actual sort of 'advertisement poster' made for this fic at one point...on DeviantArt. I made the request :3

And I promise I'll write fics for other series soon (and they won't all be stupid crack humor), but at the moment I've been in a KH-mood, especially after beating the new DS game with Organization XIII. I'll try and make some new Fuu X Olette and Larmine stuff in the future too.

* * *

Of all of the Nobodies in the Organization, Xemnas is by far the most dangerous. With the ability to wield the power of nothingness itself, he can force nearly anyone to bend to his almighty will. The only person in all of the universe that possessed even the slightest possibility of defeating him was the keyblade master Sora himself. He truly was an omnipotent figure in just about every single way.

However, that didn't mean he didn't have his little slip-ups every once and a while. After all, behind all of those flashy techniques and clever wordplay, he was still just the empty living husk of a dead man.

"What do you mean, Larxene is high as a kite and trying to rape Namine?!!"

Saix bowed his head, as if ashamed. "Yes, what I mean is exactly what you just said, Lord Xemnas..."

"Well, why didn't you stop her?!" At that moment, Xemnas was taking his daily bubble bath, and he looked away from Saix just for a moment to watch his rubber ducky casually float by. He didn't trust that little plastic fowl for even a second, to be sure.

"Larxene is, with the power of lightning at her command, undoubtedly the fastest member of our Organization. Not even I could catch up to her," Saix explained matter-of-factly.

Xemnas furrowed his brow. "Then how is Namine able to outrun her?"

"In her marijuana-induced state, the Savage Nymph has apparently forgotten to make use of her powers,"

"Then you ARE able to catch her!"

"Yes, that is true, Lord Xemnas, but..."

"...But what?" Xemnas raised an eyebrow in confusion.

A tint of blush arose on Saix's pale cheeks. "I am morally incapable of harming women, whether they be 14-year-old whores or 20-something-year-old bitches with an S&M fetish..."

"GOD, YOU'RE SO USELESS AT THE TIMES WE NEED YOU MOST!!" Xemnas face-palmed.

Saix looked as if he were about to cry. Xemnas did, too.

Suddenly, this rather convoluted argument came to an abrupt close when someone knocked loudly on the bathroom door. Xemnas and Saix threw each other nervous glances. The only person to have ever be allowed to visit the Superior during his bath time was the second-in-command, and even the location of the bathroom itself was highly classified. Whoever was knocking might very well be planning some sort of surprise attack to take out the head honchos and rule the organization for himself.

"Uh...Nobody's in here...no, wait, I mean...go away." Xemnas squeaked in a voice that was eerily similar to Donald Duck's.

"Superior, we all know you come into this bathroom to take your bathroom at 4:15 p.m. every day. It's no secret!"

Xemnas scowled. "Oh...it's just you, Vexen. What do you want?"

Vexen didn't reply.

"...Yes? Speak now, Vexen."

"Uh..." Vexen sounded a bit nervous for some reason, "I want to know if you happen to possess the information that will lead us to White Castle..."

Xemnas and Saix traded puzzled looks. They had no idea what in the world Vexen was talking about.

"Yeah, c'mon, dudes! We gotta go there ASAP!!" This time it was Demyx speaking.

Saix was about ready to go and attack them for their apparent insolence, but Xemnas suddenly tugged on his sleeve. He looked like he had an idea.

"Saix, instead of assaulting those two fools out there, why don't we...help them out?"

-----------

"PUSSY, NAMINE, PUSSY!!!!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH...!!!!"

"I WANT JOLLY RANCHERS!"

"GET AWAY FROM MEEEEEEEEEE-"

-----------

Having given up trying to snort Larxene's underwear, Marluxia simply laid on the bathroom floor with a glazed look in his eyes. A trail of drool slowly trickled down the side of his chin. Suddenly, a familiar face peered over him, grinning.

"Well, well...I finally found you, Marluxia."

Marluxia's reddened eyes bulged wide. "You...you're...!"


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts series, Square Enix, or Disney.

A/N: This story is really starting to become something big in terms of plot... O.o

And I promise I'll write fics for other series soon (and they won't all be stupid crack humor), but at the moment I've been in a KH-mood, especially after beating the new DS game with Organization XIII. I'll try and make some new Fuu X Olette and Larmine stuff in the future too.

* * *

After finishing up his bath and drying himself off, Xemnas stepped out into the hallway (his only source of coverage being the towel he wrapped around his waist) and summoned a single dark portal.

"If you use this portal, you'll eventually reach the White Castle you seek," Xemnas explained to the two flabbergasted Nobodies standing beside him.

"That's...that's amazing...he didn't even need to think about it...he just...did it...the Superior is truly a force to be reckoned with!" Vexen gasped.

Xemnas rolled his eyes. "Yes, yes, I know I'm amazing...now-"

"Dude...that's like, the coolest thing ever! My respect ranking for you has just gone up from a C to a B! 100 experience points!! TOUCHDOWN!" Demyx exclaimed happily.

"Alright..." Xemnas sighed, "Now if you two would please-"

"TOUCHDOWN!"

"Demyx-"

"TOUCHDOWN!"

"Demyx, would you please shut-"

"TOUCHDOWN!"

"DE-"

"TOUCH-"

"-MYX!"

"-DOWN!!!!!"

"DEMYX, GODDAMMIT, SHUT THE FU-"

"BASEBALL!"

Having grown rather annoyed with this charade himself, Saix booted both Demyx and Vexen in their asses, and the two Nobodies were sent tumbling into the portal, which immediately closed behind them.

Xemnas sighed in relief. "Thank you, Saix..."

"You're welcome, Lord Xemnas."

"However, we did neglect to notify them that the portal does not take them directly to White Castle, but to an alternate dimension where White Castle is said to reside, and it is filled with a variety of horrible, vicious beasts...some of them too horrifying even for me."

"...And you want them to actually come back alive?" Saix asked incredulously.

Xemnas pondered on this for a moment...and then he smirked.

* * *

_In a random section of The World That Never Was..._

"NAMINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNE!!!!"

Namine let out yet ANOTHER shriek as she dashed around yet ANOTHER corner, which brought her to yet ANOTHER long, white corridor. She had no idea just how long she had been running, but she was still somehow staying a good several feet ahead of the rampaging Larxene.

"Please stop!!" the little blonde Nobody cried, "I...I don't deserve this!!"

Suddenly, Larxene stopped. When she noticed the Savage Nymph had ceased chasing her, Namine stopped as well.

Larxene let out a snort. "Pheh...screw this. I'll just go get some KFC or Popeye's or something."

"What?!"

"I said I'm going to get some fried chicken, bitch. Tap your ass later."

Namine felt something stirring deep within her as she watched Larxene calmly turn around and walk away. It was a negative emotion she experienced quite often during her stay with Organization XIII. This feeling she felt was...disappointment.

'She...doesn't want to chase me anymore?' Namine pouted. 'Wait...that's a good thing, so why do I feel so upset about it now?'

Once a full minute of serious contemplation on her part passed by, Namine decided to follow after Larxene...

* * *

_In The girls' bathroom..._

Marluxia immediately jumped to his feet to confront the man before him. "You! You're...!!"

It was member No. X of the organization, and self-proclaimed gambling addict, Luxord. As usual, he wore a smug grin on his lips.

"I figured I'd find you lying around here, Marluxia..." Luxord chuckled.

"Luxord...what're you doing here?" Marluxia asked. The marijuana's effects were beginning to wear off, and his sense of reality was returning to him.

"Well, I was feeling rather bored and in need of some excitement, but when I asked all of the other members, they immediately refused my challenge...! For a time, I thought all was lost, as if fate had dealt me a losing hand, when suddenly...I remembered about you, my friend."

"...What challenge are you talking about, Luxord?"

Reaching into his pocket, Luxord unsheathed a single card. However, this was no ordinary card; it was...a Blue-Eyes White Dragon!

"Marluxia, would you make an old man happy...and accept my challenge to a duel?"

"Uh..."

Marluxia would have rather been asked to go to bed with him than to do something like this...


	5. Yrred Ot Emoclew

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts series, Square Enix, or Disney. Nor do I own Stephen King or any of his many works.

A/N: Oh dear god...what have I done?!!

The next chapter will be dedicated to all of the going-ons taking place back at The World That Never Was...and now Xigbar and Xaldin get in on the plot as well!

* * *

The last thing Vexen needed in the afternoon (or during any part of the day, really) was to fall face-first into a mud puddle with Demyx lying right on top of him...yet it still happened anyway.

"...Your big ass makes a great cushion, Vexen." Demyx remarked with a slightly disturbed look on his face.

"GET...GET THE HELL OFF OF ME!!"

The two Nobodies had landed right in middle of what appeared to be an abandoned school yard. There was an overturned slide, along with a pair of swings and a single red shoe, a few feet off to the right. Trees upon trees surrounded the wide, open space, as if they had been set there to block off their path. The air carried a foul stench with it, the smell being disturbingly similar to a sewer drain. A single balloon hovered in the sky above their heads. Oddly enough, the balloon seemed rooted in place. Even odder still, was that three words had been written on the balloon in some sort of red liquid:

'THEY ALL FLOAT'.

"They all...float?" Vexen murmured to himself, "Just what in the world does that mean?"

The older man's ponderings were interrupted by Demyx's clamoring. "Hey...hey, Vexen! Look! Look! A clown! There's a clown over there!"

Vexen glanced in the direction Demyx was pointing and, sure enough, there was a clown standing in the middle of a field of daisies. Vexen gasped.

The clown wore a big, bright smile on his snow-white face, the mouth outlined with red. He was balding, except for the poofy tufts of scarlet hair that ran along the back. He wore big yellow pants, ridiculously large red shoes, white gloves, a shiny open-buttoned vest, and a line of organge puffballs that ran vertically up his chest. In his right hand, he held tightly onto the strings of about 20 balloons, a wide variety of different colors.

"Hey, Demyx, Vexen," The clown called in a slightly raspy voice, "Want a balloon? They float...they all float!"

Vexen slowly took a step back, wary of this odd clown's presence. "Demyx, I do not believe we should-"

"YEAAAAAHH!!" Squealing like a young child with a severe case of ADHD, Demyx charged straight for the clown with his arms open wide. Vexen cursed under his breath. The clown sneered, and for a split-second his soft blue eyes flashed a golden yellow.

"C'mon, Demyx...come get a balloon...come on..."

"I'm coming! I'm coming! Be patient, dammit!!"

Vexen sighed, and turned his back to the younger Nobody. "Ridiculous idiot...a balloon is basically a condom that failed to meet its requirements and got filled up with air..."

Suddenly...there was a scream.

"KYAAAAAAAH!!!"

Gasping in horror, Vexen spun back around, only to find...he was now completely alone. Both Demyx and the clown had vanished.

Demyx's trusty sitar was lying on the ground, shattered into two equal halves. One of his gloves was left behind as well. Vexen was not entirely sure if this symbolized that the boy had been killed, but at the moment he definitely was defenseless. It was now that Vexen finally took notice of the open manhole nearby as well. He had not seen it before as the grass had obscured his view, but now it was all blown away with the winds.

"Oh...oh my god...the clown got Demyx...that goddamn gayass clown got Demyx!!"

Vexen wasn't sure whether to save him or run off screaming into the distance...


End file.
